Angels...

Burke has always been a very spiritual child.. at 2 years old he looked me straight in the eye, pointed to the cross on my neck and said "mommy that man, that man got stuck on that cross... b/c he loves me."  Talk about making you cry.  I couldn't believe was I was hearing.  I had never said those words to him, yet he knew.  Wow.

I grew up going to church.  I go to church, but we do not go every Sunday and we certainly don't pray as much as we "should,"  but Burke always catches me at some random moment and shares some deep secret in the most matter of fact way.  It's crazy and awesome all in the same moment. I always joke, he's going to be a priest or pastor or deacon.. Maybe simply a lover of Jesus.  But the kid knows.  He really knows his stuff.

The past few months (let's be honest.. the last year) have been really tough for us.  We're not talking finances, which can be extremely stressful and taxing, but instead life.  We dealt with a very long summer that kept us apart more than we like, Campbell's mysterious illness (with no real answers), a second miscarriage with D&C, a second hospital stay for Campbell, and an outpatient surgery for Burke.  We dealt with the financial toll this took on our family.  We dealt with happy and sad times.  We continued to work and figure out life along the way.  We struggled with the unknown, fear, stress and more stress.

After the new year rolled around, we decided to sell our house and go for a bigger house.  I have NEVER felt so much stress in my life. I know this seems silly, but I spent countless nights not able to sleep, nausea, vomiting, real life anxiety.  I seriously considered not making the step to sell because it was physically exhausting.. but we decided to go ahead with it.. Unimportant in the big picture, but still more stress.

I decided I needed a real life change and started reading my devotional everyday at the beginning of the year.  Boy did it calm my nerves.  It didn't fix our problems and life stresses, but it gave me a bigger picture.  A picture I needed. 

Last week, we suffered our 3rd miscarriage.  There is nothing more painful than having something so big (yet so small) taken from you.  Life is precious no matter how small or short.  It doesn't matter if its your first or 5th.. it doesn't get any easier.. It may even get harder.  The frustration, stress, questions.. It's miserable. Yes, I am very fortunate to have 2 healthy (if you can call Campbell healthy ;)) boys at home.  I am VERY thankful for this, but it doesn't lessen our pain.  The same day as we found this out, my mom found out she was laid off after 35 years with her company.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?  Life is not fair.  No one ever said it was, but man we could REALLY USE A PICK ME UP SOON!

We've suffered, we've prayed, we've cried...We need something..

Insert Burke. This morning we are making our way to preschool like we do every morning.  Just your normal Tuesday morning singing some Frozen and dancing to the beat.  Then Burke says mid-song "Mommy, angels make Jesus bigger"  What?  "Angels make Jesus grow..." (Wow..) Who told you that? "Nobody.. The Angel just told me when she came to visit..."

I think it's safe to say God sent us a message today.  Much bigger than angels (although I love angels and long to see one).  I think he was saying.. "I'm here and I'm here to stay."  He's with us ALWAYS.  And I think I needed Burke to tell me this.


I know God has a will and a way.  Sometimes I really wish I knew what that was. I know it's not my place to know or to even ask, but it doesn't change that I would love to know what is ahead for us.  Instead, I will sit back, ride this roller coaster of life and know he's standing next to me.

And I'm sure Burke will have another message for me when I need to hear it. The 4 year old with the simple answers.